Its midnight and I'm listening to sad music because I want to feel something. The best days out here have me buried in work that is the "cause" in the "cause and effect" that I wanted to experience again. The good days just have me buried in work. Anything less than that and its just anger, stress, frustration, and nothingness. The monotony can be crushing sometimes. Just the other day I spent about 20 minutes contemplating why I did a triple take on a guy I walked past coming back from the showers. This is what I decided: The first look was acknowledgement that there was someone there, the second was recognition that it was someone that I'd seen before, and the last was for refinement because I was pretty sure he was wearing orange shoes. That turned into a 20 minute thought process. I spared 20 minutes thinking about why I looked at someone, and that was 3 or 4 days ago yet I still can't get it out of my head. I can't help but describe my time in Afghanistan, this time, as sensory deprivation.
This past week has been hard on me. A lot of anger, stress, frustration, and nothingness. I'm struggling to accept the fact that the best days of this deployment are behind me. I'm not expecting many more ticks in the W column before I leave for home. I'm angry that decisions are being made that seem to ensure that this war will not end, but rather fizzle and just sort fade. I'm struggling to accept the fact that I am the last person remaining from my original team. My wife says it means that I'm stronger than the people that have gone home. I don't feel stronger. I feel disconnected and numb. "Why am I still here then?"
So this is a first...I don't want to finish writing. I am going to post this as is because I have no idea where I am/was going with it. I think I just miss my wife and I want to come home. I'm tired of putting myself through this. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow.
